Family: What Is the Purpose?

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Family making offerings at Kunzang Palyul Choling Temple
Family making offerings at Kunzang Palyul Choling Temple

Family:  What Is the Purpose?

By Jetsunma Ahkon Lhamo

Since ordination is so central to Tibetan Buddhism, I am often asked what the point is of marriage and family.

First, I will say that the status of householder is well recognized. A Buddhist householder who upholds Genyen vows is committed to the path to the point that there is a certain degree of renunciation. Not to the degree of bikshu or bikshuni, but still present.

From that description, one can see that the modern ideas of love and marriage are not helpful. Generally we “fall in love” due to strong attraction, sexual desire, the wish to be connected in a profound way. Often there is the biological need to procreate and pass our genes on. Due to strong attraction and desire, we are often compelled or driven to be with someone.

Actually, those are not good reasons to get married. The best reasons are shared goals, shared path, shared capacity both spiritual and intellectual, and the love that is born of respect for one another, understanding of each other’s needs, and a willingness to share life’s ups and downs.

The superior way of marriage is when both parties are committed to the path and to living the life of a Bodhisattva together. The best marriage is the one that supports both parties in such a way as to enhance their spiritual life.  To interact with kindness and a respect for each other’s efforts on the path, and to catalyze true effort and result. An example would be one parent “holding down the fort” while the other is in retreat.

In a marriage, both parties should encourage each other to develop their very best qualities, and support each other in uprooting their poisons and abandoning them. The quality of a relationship born of faith and compassion is much different from an ordinary marriage based on material goals. The mutual embrace of a sacred life is deepening, and bonding. And satisfying in the long run.

Such a marriage is capable of bringing into the world children of great promise. By their parents’ teachings, they will come to know truth. By their parents’ example, they will learn to love and respect. These are the children who will be empowered to stand for truth, inner peace, strong wholesome values, and faith.

In short, marriage and family can be powerful agents for creating a better, more balanced world.  From generation to generation, therefore, this is a blessing that keeps on giving.

Astrology

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12/27/2010     Monday

A meeting with a deep person or subject occurs today.  Men in particular, but also those in charge, see into a subject that has been obscured to them before now.  Something veiled, hidden or below the surface comes into the picture.  General feelings of being overwhelmed or of “At last I understand” are some of the possibilities today.  A loss can be explained.  You may attempt to make an overarching judgment, but it won’t work.  Take what you get.  At the same time, you are working hard, and you could meet a surprising cohort, a fellow worker, who is interested in partnering with you.  It’s a good balance, as long as you’ve known this person and thought of joining in the past.  Beware of a brand new presence; it will come to nothing.  Romance still is in the picture, and it’s an important day to be sure everything is well lit.  Light is your friend today.

The daily astrology post affects everyone. Because individual charts vary, the circumstances outlined in the post will affect people differently. Some will feel this energy in the personal arena, some in finances, some with children or family, some in work and so forth. There are many departments of life. Look to see where the dynamic affects you!

Cultivating Awareness

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From a series of Tweets by Jetsunma Ahkon Lhamo:

Did you know that there is a fundamental difference between Vajrayana Buddhism and other faiths? All faiths improve our life, our minds and hearts, and give us structure and aspiration, hope. Buddhism has all that in common. The difference is that Vajrayana Buddhism does not recognize self-nature to be inherently real. In relative view we perceive self as solid through the five senses which also are empty, yet are themselves perceived as real and solid. The entire reason we compile our lives as seemingly solid is that once we fall prey to the concept of duality – self and other – both of which are dream-like, we simply cannot see the great expanse of truth.

Conceiving self and other as real sets us up to react to what is perceived as outside this supposed “self.” We always react with hope, fear, or indifference. Like I hope you will love me. I fear you will abandon me. I hope there is food and money. And fear it will not be enough. I hope you will not harm me – I fear you will. Indifference is involved when both views have been applied and neither does. I hope there is something coming from you but I see nothing will – therefore I am indifferent to you. In fact most people and things that do not excite our hope or fear usually are not even on our radar. Our five gross senses are meant to recognize what seems to be “other” and to measure and assess that. So you see – this whole perceptual event occurs instantly, before we even realize it has. So our entire awareness is based on that, meant to perform in a certain way. That is the only means to sense at that level.

In meditation we close out the gross senses and give rise to those awarenesses which are far more subtle and intuitive – quite gossamer, in fact. Much more spacious and formless themselves, this subtle awareness is what is needed to fully recognize the primordial ground of being, and the spacious empty luminosity that is our true face, the same taste as Buddhahood.

One must meditate to dispel the illusions of separateness and solidity. And we enhance the more subtle (and true) view that is the essence of true discernment and the precious awakening called enlightenment. It takes time! As we begin to awaken we develop compassion as we are not separate and no different on the relative level as all sentient beings struggle to be happy, while being unaware of their true nature.

I am asked- if we are empty of self nature, then who gave birth? Had that heart attack? Who says “ouch” when pinched? And what is it that reincarnates?

In Buddhism we see no self. What happens is rebirth. Buddha said we are cycling through death and re-birth and suffering because of desire. So true! Not a separate entity, but the thread of desire and other habitual tendencies rise up as our mindstream and continue on. We, then, with the five (made for this) senses believing in separation consciousness then measure, contrive and support it. Then once again we believe that we and all phenomena are all entirely solid and real. It is sort of real in that we react. Ouch! Yet not real in that there is no pinch no pincher, no pinchee, no hand, no no-hand, no pain, no no-pain, no self, no sorrow and no one to gain from self cherishing. And all of this is dream-like and without substance; no here, no there, no hate, no love, no one to hate or love. Yet our nature is love itself, BODHICITTA!

Copyright © Jetsunma Ahkon Lhamo.  All rights reserved

Astrology

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12/26/2010     Sunday

A burst of energy puts zip in your step today.  You feel good, energetic, and the people and things you love surround you. And what if you’re alone?  Reach out to those you care for, love is in the air!  This is a good day to carry out your plans with a degree of flexibility.  Things could change.  You will end up at your destination, but it may not be by the route you imagined.  You and someone could bicker today, there’s a tendency to split hairs.  It’s a “you say potatoes and I say potatoes” day.  Recognize that you agree on the overarching topic – what to have for dinner!  Revisit the past.  Don Ward said, “Somebody saw something in you once–and that is why you’re where you are today.  Thank them!”

The daily astrology post affects everyone. Because individual charts vary, the circumstances outlined in the post will affect people differently. Some will feel this energy in the personal arena, some in finances, some with children or family, some in work and so forth. There are many departments of life. Look to see where the dynamic affects you!

Astrology

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12/25/2010     Saturday

Merry Christmas!  A happy glow is present during the early hours of the day.  Relax, no pressure, just fun.  Later in the day you move into “fix it” mode.  Cleaning up, working on a project or preparing a large meal is fun.  You feel like organizing things, and everyone is willing to help.  Excellent work skills are present, and men, kids and women are all in sync.  Later in the afternoon a sporting event gets people moving, either physically or emotionally.  The end of the day features a feeling of joy at being with the people you love.  Something’s coming, but today is your day of rest.  Let tomorrow take care of tomorrow.  Mary Jean Irion said, “Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are.”

The daily astrology post affects everyone. Because individual charts vary, the circumstances outlined in the post will affect people differently. Some will feel this energy in the personal arena, some in finances, some with children or family, some in work and so forth. There are many departments of life. Look to see where the dynamic affects you!

Astrology

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12/24/2010     Friday

Today destiny and the river of life meet, and they’re going in the same direction! You must make a choice. Something is pointing in one direction, but emotions pull in the opposite direction.  For today, ignore the emotional pull; it takes you in the wrong direction.  A decision appears, should you work or laze about?  Work, definitely, you won’t regret it. Today is a bit like skiing a zigzag course down a winding, steep mountainside.  Keep your eyes on the trail, go around the bumps, and don’t lose your concentration. A partner helps you, but a romantic infatuation leads you astray.  Watch the twists and turns of the day, and of course, keep looking good!  Wilhelm von Humboldt said, “How a person masters his fate is more important than what his fate is.”  Master things today.

The daily astrology post affects everyone. Because individual charts vary, the circumstances outlined in the post will affect people differently. Some will feel this energy in the personal arena, some in finances, some with children or family, some in work and so forth. There are many departments of life. Look to see where the dynamic affects you!

Can You Change?

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From a series of tweets by Jetsunma Ahkon Lhamo (@jalpalyul), December 23, 2010

Tonight I am asking for prayers for my little Boston Terrier “Truman Bean” who had to go for emergency surgery tonight. He had a bubble on his eye which was being treated with various medicines. This afternoon the bubble opened into a horrible ulcer. Don’t know if he’ll keep his eye or not. He was in terrible pain, is in VA hospital now with eye surgeon. My sweet Baby! Please pray for him. Man, this is getting brutal! Another surgery, this will probably cost $6,000.00 that I don’t currently have. Here we go again, my little feller Truman Bean in great pain, facing surgery tonight. I have to sell something, or raise money.  At least the hospital took him, and is kind.

Please pray for my Boston Terrier, serious eye surgery, pain, I rely on your prayers. He is such a love. I had thought to talk about Guru Yoga tonight. Hard to do when my Bean is having surgery. I pray he will keep his eye, and that he is free of pain. When I am in pain I call to the Guru for relief. Animals cannot do that. We must do the Prayers for them. They do not have that great capacity, although they have, frequently, excellent qualities. I wish it were true of all of us.

If a puppy is loved and trained from birth it will be loyal and loving. Even if rescued, they can change and transform for the better. It is actually harder for humans. We have so much pride and conceptual proliferation we find it difficult to change. Dogs live in the moment. No pride, no resistance to change. The dog looks to us, without fear, for guidance. If we break that commitment the dog and the human both lose. We must be a rock of support for our animals. They cannot understand many things and rely on us to guide them through a human world. We domesticated the dog. Now we owe them our support and loving kindness. Dogs can no longer care for themselves, have lost their doggie skills. Whenever I go out I try to bring something home they will recognize as a “kill” so that they can understand where the “alpha” has been. Dog packs have the “chip” to understand that the alpha must hunt for the pack. This way they can feel the alpha caring for her pack. Sometimes it is Dingo bones, or other yummies. But once they settle down to enjoy, the event is over. Alpha Mama is home and all is well. OM MANI PEDME HUNG!

May I speak about Guru Yoga now? Here in the west devotion is completely misunderstood. Buddhists feel they can be Buddhas the moment they decide to – like changing shoes. In Vajrayana the fastest most complete and most efficient method is Guru Yoga. Not intellectual prowess. You cannot think, plan or proclaim Enlightenment and make it real. We rely on the realization of our Gurus because they have crossed the ocean of cyclic existence many times before and are appropriate guides. The Guru is considered the door to Liberation, as if the house was afire and the Guru was the only door. This is why the Tulku system is necessary in Vajrayana. If we follow a fake Guru with poor qualities and little realization there can only be poor result. The seed becomes the tree and bears fruit. What is the fruit of an ordinary mind? Just ordinary, not leading us out of Samsara, but deeply entangled in it. A realized Vajra Master is them self free of the gross attachments, and faults we all need help with. Left to our own human resources it is hopeless. Big egos become king babies. Lotsa blow, no show, no glow, nothing to rely on.

Often when we fail at Guru Yoga, devotion, we think we are finished with the path. We start to teach one another, like a fourth grade child teaching a third grade child. No particular benefit. They are both grade school children, maybe more interested in collecting chewing gum under their seats, or pulling little girl’s pony tails. A mature, grounded, selfless, compassionate Guru is needed so we don’t spend our short lives acting out like bad children going every which way- acting, re-acting and most importantly, never learning how to die!

In Buddhism we gather virtue and merit for this and all future lives. The hope is to die and be reborn consciously and flawlessly. This is our way! To live and pass without fear, whining, and in such a way as to be reborn intentionally for the sake of benefiting beings! This is the benefit and great wondrous beauty of our path. May all sincerely enter to completion! Learn to see your own capacity in the face of the Guru! Not the personality, or clothing, or appearance or activity of the Guru, but the awakening, the true face which is the fundamental ground of being. The true Guru, then, is one’s own inseparable nature understood deeply and profoundly, not just intellectually and with many words and pointless concepts. Do not follow what is incapable. Follow what is perfectly endowed and fly!

©  Jetsunma Ahkön Lhamo

Astrology

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12/23/2010      Thursday

Not much happens early in the day, but then the energy changes and you are full of emotion and activity.  This is a day to dress well.  Your appearance achieves what you are aiming for.  Long ago someone spoke of a woman who was so impressive that all she needed to do to win others to her cause was show up!  Be that person today.  Best clothes, best manners, and best behavior.  Your own happiness and sense of well-being is impacted by how well you take care of yourself today.  Pay special homage to the people who have helped or inspired you during the course of your life. Remember, you’re finishing up past work, and thanking those who have helped you is in order.  See this as your Christmas gift to the world.  Sam Walton said, “Nothing else can quite substitute for a few well-chosen, well- timed, sincere words of praise.  They’re absolutely free – and worth a fortune.”

The daily astrology post affects everyone. Because individual charts vary, the circumstances outlined in the post will affect people differently. Some will feel this energy in the personal arena, some in finances, some with children or family, some in work and so forth. There are many departments of life. Look to see where the dynamic affects you!

How Will You Live Your Life?

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From a series of tweets by Jetsunma Ahkon Lhamo (@jalpalyul), December 22, 2010

I am always so disappointed when I see a long time practitioner who toots his own version of accomplishment when clearly there is none, or puts him/her self up on a throne that they do not belong on. It is not the ego that is recognized and enthroned, it is Wisdom and compassion that are meant to be properly enthroned; and it is to benefit the Dharma and the people. Not to puff up bloated egos. That happens naturally in samsara. One practices to pacify the ego, not to enhance it. If you must waste time and merit pumping it up then you are lost, utterly lost and must turn right around and go back to preliminary stage and purify. Of course if the ego is too bloated that will not happen.

Many would rather take it to their grave than work the path truly. That is not Dharma, that’s false pride. False pride is a mind and heart killer. One cannot think clearly about one’s path or history, can only stroke and fondle that sick ego. It hurts when other people do not agree, and must get into 1) self pity and whining, or 2) aggression to put the disagreed person down. Or make them look bad, even if it requires lying, hating, violence, et al.  – whatever it takes to avoid any and all responsibility for one’s character. That is the coward’s way. It shows weakness, not intellectual strength.

Truth and virtue are arranged like a platter of cookies. Pick some! The red sugar cookie? The green? Take what you like and go home and gobble them down. Have you been to a feast? No, you have been to a party where you and only you are the entertainment and the joke! Those of us who practice Dharma deeply and with great respect and love can spot you in a New York minute. And grieve. Those that practice to be big, tough and cool, to get adulation will never have it. Like planning a funeral party rather than finishing and accomplishing every prerequisite for death and being ready and completely unafraid. To be prepared for death is honorable and dignified. That is vajra pride! Also one should practice both the yidam and Phow’a extensively. Anything else is foolish and shows one’s ignorance and lack of accomplishment. To spend the last times bragging about qualities one does not have is a waste of perfectly good life.

Did you love? Did you give, rather than steal? Did you change for the better? Is the world better for your life? Or are you a user? Are you the wizard behind the curtain being mighty and ridiculous? Or are you a human being- loving, being loved, giving hope and healing to others? We talk, us baby boomers, as though our environment is the trouble. Not. We were born to the trouble, it is our Karma. To ignore that is to be a fool in a world cursed by and filled to the brim with fools. If you want to be stand up and real; give, love, heal, turn around and start again.

At any time, if there is five minutes left in life, love, gather virtue and care- not just your circle of family and friends that agree with you, but all sentient beings, every one. We will all die, be sick, suffer… Be a brave and pure beacon… show us how it’s done. We need that.

We do not need your scorn or your judgment! There is plenty of that from ordinary sentient beings.

©  Jetsunma Ahkön Lhamo

How Does One Learn to Forgive?

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From a series of tweets by Jetsunma Ahkon Lhamo (@jalpalyul), December 17, 2010

How does one learn to forgive and do it with grace? It isn’t for cowards.  Forgiveness is hard work. Some folks are seemingly incapable, but I think the issue is they are afraid to try. It takes character, courage and an understanding of one’s own emotions. One must dig deep within and find strength, maybe the kind you never knew you had.

First, one must examine the “condition” of the “enemy” to see why they act as they do. Perhaps there has been disappointment, jealousy, or rage in the present moment and from the past. One’s “enemy” is likely acting out their suffering. Often they project that on you, but allow yourself to let that go. One should only accept the person’s actions against oneself as justified if it is actually so.

Sometimes we blame ourselves for another’s hurtful behavior. That is not helpful, so some “inner work” must be done. That is the scary part. To look within with self-honesty is hard. Examine the motivation. Do we forgive to get something back? Do we hope the “enemy” will change? Some people simply do not have the skill or the will to do so. One should consider that it’s the right thing to do. It grants freedom to the angry one and to the “enemy.”  The “enemy” is now free to do as they wish. Hate will never overcome compassion; nothing is as strong as Bodhicitta- Love.

One has nothing to fear from the generous act of forgiveness! It is quite healing, and it sure does build character.  Like I said, it is hard work. And then one is free from the awful burden of neurotic circular thinking. When one has that issue, one simply cannot let go. It becomes an ugly illness that affects one’s whole life. With rage running the show, then comes obsessive behavior. One literally can think of nothing else. The stress of being that way will destroy one’s health due to hormones and chemistry completely out of control. And then the rest of one’s life is conditioned by that. At that point maybe medical help is needed, or the wisdom of a friend with clarity to talk to, counseling, or perhaps a retreat where one can examine those sick feelings. There are books that may help, and there is help online. Today there are many ways. One excellent method is to meditate and pray for help and contemplate the situation.

Usually an “enemy” is just looking for power and feels powerless. Or they are trying to be happy and simply do not know how to be happy. They are lost and need our compassion, as they cannot help themselves at all.

One may even need to study aberrant behavior to understand the activity of the foe. Any effort needed is so useful, as forgiveness is liberating, and healing. One can walk away a new and far better person – stronger, kinder, happier, and at peace. The freedom to let it go! Get on with your life, rather than your “enemy.” When that is accomplished, the enemy is an enemy no more. And just look at the gift you have given yourself!  Liberation from a trap that hurts so much, and eventually kills. You don’t want a hard, selfish heart. It will turn out you will suffer.

I would like to recommend as a start that you follow @RCInstitute on twitter; Ruthless Compassion Institute. Please read Dr. Marcia’s blog for some good advice and help. I admire her.  She is a very wise and lovely person. There is so much help; one has no excuse for remaining ill, and helpless. Go for it! It is love, Dharma!

©  Jetsunma Ahkön Lhamo

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