How Does One Learn to Forgive?

From a series of tweets by Jetsunma Ahkon Lhamo (@jalpalyul), December 17, 2010

How does one learn to forgive and do it with grace? It isn’t for cowards.  Forgiveness is hard work. Some folks are seemingly incapable, but I think the issue is they are afraid to try. It takes character, courage and an understanding of one’s own emotions. One must dig deep within and find strength, maybe the kind you never knew you had.

First, one must examine the “condition” of the “enemy” to see why they act as they do. Perhaps there has been disappointment, jealousy, or rage in the present moment and from the past. One’s “enemy” is likely acting out their suffering. Often they project that on you, but allow yourself to let that go. One should only accept the person’s actions against oneself as justified if it is actually so.

Sometimes we blame ourselves for another’s hurtful behavior. That is not helpful, so some “inner work” must be done. That is the scary part. To look within with self-honesty is hard. Examine the motivation. Do we forgive to get something back? Do we hope the “enemy” will change? Some people simply do not have the skill or the will to do so. One should consider that it’s the right thing to do. It grants freedom to the angry one and to the “enemy.”  The “enemy” is now free to do as they wish. Hate will never overcome compassion; nothing is as strong as Bodhicitta- Love.

One has nothing to fear from the generous act of forgiveness! It is quite healing, and it sure does build character.  Like I said, it is hard work. And then one is free from the awful burden of neurotic circular thinking. When one has that issue, one simply cannot let go. It becomes an ugly illness that affects one’s whole life. With rage running the show, then comes obsessive behavior. One literally can think of nothing else. The stress of being that way will destroy one’s health due to hormones and chemistry completely out of control. And then the rest of one’s life is conditioned by that. At that point maybe medical help is needed, or the wisdom of a friend with clarity to talk to, counseling, or perhaps a retreat where one can examine those sick feelings. There are books that may help, and there is help online. Today there are many ways. One excellent method is to meditate and pray for help and contemplate the situation.

Usually an “enemy” is just looking for power and feels powerless. Or they are trying to be happy and simply do not know how to be happy. They are lost and need our compassion, as they cannot help themselves at all.

One may even need to study aberrant behavior to understand the activity of the foe. Any effort needed is so useful, as forgiveness is liberating, and healing. One can walk away a new and far better person – stronger, kinder, happier, and at peace. The freedom to let it go! Get on with your life, rather than your “enemy.” When that is accomplished, the enemy is an enemy no more. And just look at the gift you have given yourself!  Liberation from a trap that hurts so much, and eventually kills. You don’t want a hard, selfish heart. It will turn out you will suffer.

I would like to recommend as a start that you follow @RCInstitute on twitter; Ruthless Compassion Institute. Please read Dr. Marcia’s blog for some good advice and help. I admire her.  She is a very wise and lovely person. There is so much help; one has no excuse for remaining ill, and helpless. Go for it! It is love, Dharma!

©  Jetsunma Ahkön Lhamo