From a series of tweets by Jetsunma Ahkon Lhamo originally tweeted on April 21, 2011:
For the last two to three days I’ve felt a change in the wind. As some of you know I have taken time off to heal. In these last days I realize I have not worked so hard at it. But I’ve been reading about people who have had similar challenges and have broken through into better balance. And they seem happy and engaged. The stories of how their lives are remind me so much of my own, and their beginnings seem to be like mine. I feel very inspired by these courageous Tribal people, yet I also feel guilty, and disappointed in myself. I see that I have been waiting for something, someone to heal and re-inspire me, unconsciously. For this I am ashamed, for I myself have allowed my mind to fall into a disempowered state. The last three to four years have been devastating and I’ve let myself down by letting them take my confidence, courage, hope. I see that I have begun to feel that I cannot help others, have no strength to do so. I have allowed fear to rule my life. And I’ve been keeping this to myself, just waiting for the cure. How ridiculous! There is healing all around. But I did not reach for it, I just let others decide if I was worth anything or not. For some reason my mind is like a mirror, I absorb what others tell/show me about myself. When with my Lineage and teacher I feel good. But around gossip and hurt, negativity, being put down constantly by ordinary view – it just knocks me to the ground.
I have, as you know, also been greatly concerned with the condition of our Earth Mother, and the rampant poisoning of her precious body. So I call out night and day for her relief from suffering, and for all her children. But have not done one thing to help myself. Therefore I’ve let not only myself, but all creation down. I am deeply ashamed. I am working now to see what can be done for me.
Since my guru Kyabje His Holiness Penor Rinpoche found and recognized me, and well before, I saw how much people were suffering, mostly spiritually. So even as a teenager I tried to help others. And others were drawn naturally to come to me. After the recognition I understood why and took off with my feet already running. That was, sadly late in life, I was a mother, etc, so I could not just run off to India, although I did go to be taught, and many teachers have come to teach me Buddha Dharma. I never learned how to nurture myself. So when others knock me down I have a hard time getting back up. Maybe because of my ugly childhood, but I only blame myself.
I worry about others, and must help in my intended way. I am seeing that we are connected to Earth and it matters very much that we take care of ourselves and each other. We think the Japanese radiation is ruining Earth or maybe pollution, so many things are happening. But here is the truth: we live in and on the Earth, our Mother and the Earth also lives within us! As do the Sun, Moon, Stars, all elements! We live within each other, and are one human family. So how can Japan’s problems happen? War? Pollution? Because we feel separate from it all and each other. We even become separated from our own minds and hearts. A shame we were taught badly by teachers with nothing but ordinary view, but we have. Thus we must seek connection, wisdom and truth. I’m going to use what I have been given, and seek more. I must lead myself out of this sorrow, and keep on learning and growing. Oh, true, I’ve built the Temple, a bunch of powerful Stupas, taught a lot. But I’m not dead yet, so I cannot let fear rule. It is compassion, responsibility, connection I must go to, to pacify this hard time. How? I don’t know yet. But there is a change in the wind, I feel it, hear it, smell it and feel I can trust it. Come with me, we all need to learn, search, pray, and love. Because a new wind is coming. And I feel it. Kye HO!
OM TARE TUTTARE TURE SO HA!
OM AH HUNG BENZAR GURU PEDMA SIDDHI HUNG!
Copyright © Jetsunma Ahkon Lhamo. All rights reserved
